It still hurts. Everyday. Do you know what it's like? Can you understand this feeling, this knowledge that you'll never know the truth, that anything said is probably a web of carefully constructed lies designed to bring you to your knees? Do you lie awake in the darkness, staring at the ceiling, aching to be a sleep yet trembling at the thought of the dreams that will come? Does it haunt you in everything you do? Crushing you, controlling you, rendering you helpless? Does this pain have a name? A face? Is there reason to this madness or is it just that: madness? Will this aching ever leave, this sense of loss that strikes bone deep? Does the loneliness control you? Like a fist around your heart squeezing ever harder, crippling you, breaking you. The loneliness is the worst, it's what keeps you up crying at night, screaming for some sort of help. "What ever happened to not giving me more than I can bare??" you scream at God, pleading for an answer, pleading for help but receiving nothing but silence. Oh He's there alright, He probably even gave an answer but you're too wrapped up in your problems, habits, and addictions that the answer falls on deaf ears. Screaming for an answer but not waiting for a reply. How typical. Can this be fought? Can you win? Will it ever go away, will the pain leave for good? Will the hurtful words fade with time or will they only be carved across your soul, etched within your very being, staying for all time? Will the thoughts, feelings, and events dim in your memory? Will you eventually be released from this prison of your own creation? Not all of it was your creation, others helped to build it but you're the keeper now. You have the key to let yourself out but you lost it long ago. Will someone else heal the heartache or will they just bring more? Will someone ever love you the way you desire to be loved, the way you desperately need to be loved? Yes. But will you let them in? Or will you run, scared of the possible consequences, scared by the shadows lurking in your mind? The memories and fears of your past could very well keep you from the love that you so crave. Are you terrified of stepping outside your walls, your prison? Is the key really lost or have you hidden it out of fear that it will be used? That you will free yourself, opening yourself up to the potential for more hurt, more pain? But without freeing yourself you will remain cold and distant, unable to feel the touch of love. Which is worse? Free you could find love, despite the risk of heartache, caged you still have heartache and pain. Can you let go of the old? Your pain defines you, you need it. But do you really? Is that an excuse to "protect" yourself? It's no protection what you're doing, darling. You've encased yourself in a tomb of the very pain and heartache that you desperately claim you're trying to escape. Grow up. You cannot live your life while hiding behind these walls, you cannot be who you want to be, who you know you can be. Life comes with risks but without those risk you're not really living. Do you want to live life as a zombie? Walking around with no real purpose, too afraid to take the risks that could save you? No. Break out. With the risks may come pain but it may not come as well. Who can know what will happen when you stay blanketed in the illusion of security? Smarten up, that isn't security, that's your personal tragedy. Throw off the shackles you so willingly placed upon your own wrists and be free. Free to dream, to live, and to love.

I am a butterfly but you wouldn't let me die
But I'm so tired of days that seem like the night